"Why Are We Here?" Our Neurodivergent Journey

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You've landed at Spark Launch, the guide star for embracing what it means to be neurodiverse.

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I'm Mike Cornell, joined by CEO of Spark Launch, Chaya Mallavaram. Here, we navigate mental health

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triumphs and tribulations from all across the spectrum, charting a course of the shared

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experiences that unite us, and discovering how to embody the unique strengths within

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neurodivergent and neurotypical alike, igniting your spark and launching it into a better tomorrow.

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Hello, everyone. I'm Mike.

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I'm Chaya.

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And welcome to Spark Launch. We're really excited to be here speaking with you on our very first

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episode. And to really start off, we wanted to explain a bit as to what the podcast is

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and answer the all-important question of why we're here.

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Yeah.

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I truly believe that the neurodiverse population have so much to offer to this world if we start

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living in our gifts and strengths that I believe all of us have. And once we start doing that,

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the challenges are so much easier to handle and overcome. And especially in the time,

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I feel we have this innate power to take the humanity forward. This is my weird thinking and

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belief that because we are so intricate and we are so complex that no machine can replace our brain

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and our mind. But it's important that we live in that brain, right? Live in that complexity

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of our brain. And once we start doing that and we overcome all those challenges that we have,

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we will be thriving. And I truly believe we can do that.

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And that's why I created the company, so that we can get over the challenges,

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whatever the challenges are. And some of them, you just accept it and start focusing on gifts

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and strengths.

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Yeah. And we live in a long history where there's a thousand different arms pulling you

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away from yourself and who you are and what exactly you're supposed to be doing.

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And with mental health challenges so much because we are in opposition to

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what we're feeling and guilt over what we're supposed to be feeling. There's a lot of supposed

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in regards to mental health and specifically with neurodivergency. I know for me, I'm late

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diagnosed autistic. Still, the ADHD diagnosis is currently eluding me, but that's only because

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it's very hard for an adult to get such things. And for me, so much of my life was spent trying to

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be normal. What is normal? Normal is what cultural osmosis has deemed it to be. It's very arbitrary.

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I said something to someone the other night I was talking about autism about and just neurodivergency

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in general. And she had said, for her, trying to get diagnosed with something, been curious about

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it, I should say, said like, you know, the only thing that throws me off is like, where does just

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where does just being weird starts and where does neurodivergency begin? And my point to her was how

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the question that really will trip you up is how much of our perception of what weird is has just

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been neurodivergency the whole time, but it's only just now starting to be understood. So you can

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yourself up to being weird or is it neurodivergency? And then how is weird negative? How is neurodivergency

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negative? Why is weird difference? What a great point. Yeah, we are so used to saying weird,

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right? So it comes naturally to me to say that I'm weird and different. But there's so much

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beauty in being weird, because who cares if you're weird or different? What really matters is what you

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do in this world. And so if we stop focusing on things that are

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don't serve us, especially the methodologies of doing it, or, or judging ourselves and judging

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others for who they are, and judging for their weirdness, or our own weirdness,

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the and, and stop, like, really focusing on those things. And just focus on on the impact

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on what you're doing, and, and how you're showing up in the world

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and what work are you leaving behind by being yourselves by being the beautiful you.

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I think, I think we will all be our authentic selves and shine from that authentic beauty

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that we all have, right? This world is built in a way that we are born, and then we start

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focusing externally. For instance, with school, we go to

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where, you know, which area do you want to live? Where do you want to? It's so externally focused

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that we don't look inside of us. And especially with the neurodivergent population, we all are so

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internally driven, that we first, we need to figure out who we are, and what our strengths

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and what are all those little things that we have to offer and then start,

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then go external and start offering that to the world in our own unique, weird ways.

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Yes, exactly. It's interesting to me that, like, autism and all that, like, it means, you know,

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of one's self, but so much of, quote unquote, treatments for it, or therapy for it is about

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unwinding yourself and moving yourself away. You know, ABBA therapy for autism is,

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like, ABBA therapists tried to connect with me on LinkedIn the other night. I was like, nope,

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not doing that. And because it's just about that. It's about changing neurodivergency.

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And I think it's weird that in the naming scheme of things, like etymology-wise, that being of

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oneself was viewed as negative. But, you know, allistic being of all, of being with other, that is seen as

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more positive. But it's so much of our society recommends and cherishes you being sure of yourself

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and steadfast. But if you actually do that, it is christened as weird. And no, you need to get in

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line. And I've never really understood the dichotomy. And I think that maybe is just something

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a lot of neurodivergents don't understand because of the way we tend to think in, like, very

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straight-lined, logical ways.

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Is that we see the invisible lines between what is promoted and then what is actually done. Because

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to us, based on what's promoted, we should fit in, right? Everyone should actually like us,

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quote-unquote, more based on what we're seeing. But in actual practice, we're shot down for being

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too much or noncompliant or weird or a little bit off or we talk too much. And I know for, like, for

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me, not even knowing I was masking was just, like, trying to figure out, like, I wanted to embrace

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myself and who I was and be who I was and see, like, the power that I held for my own life. But

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it wasn't getting me anywhere for the things that I needed to help serve me, you know, especially

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in social aspects. So I spent time masking from kind of one vague personality to another, never

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quite being myself except with me. And I think that's the thing that's so important. And I think

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with maybe one or two people, I would argue that I haven't really started being myself to my own

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family until about, like, five years ago. There and that, I was probably, I view a lot of me before

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that as, like, a weird stranger that I just kind of slipped into the skin of every single morning.

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Yeah, I think that happens a lot, right? And we want to get to a place where we are absolutely

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in love with ourselves. And,

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yeah, I had, I mean, I didn't introduce myself as being ADHD. I learned the term ADHD when my son

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got diagnosed with ADHD. And that's when I started looking at all the traits and characteristics. And

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I realized, oh, my God, that's me, every single one of them. And especially my biggest trauma was

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in just education, studying, because I had this ambition that I wanted to

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accomplish and be somebody. And every time I sat in front of the books, it just went over my head.

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I was a constant daydreamer, talking a lot in the class. But at the same time, I was ambitious. So

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that felt like it was going against the wind. I was not going with the wind, but just against

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the force. And so that's where my trying to fit in, trying to mask was what

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where I was, but felt uncomfortable. So, and, but once I got out of the college years with,

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I managed to get a degree in accounting, never really enjoyed it. But ever since then,

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I've tried to embrace myself fully. And it's been a slow journey, but, but I'm somewhat there,

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right? So, but it's such a relief, such a relief to, to be myself 100%. I don't know if it's 100%,

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100%, because I don't know what else is there, right? We are constantly uncovering,

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removing all those layers and figuring out what's, what's beneath the surface. And so it

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feels uncomfortable when you're masking and trying to be somebody who we are not in the inside.

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And as a child, I remember I, I always wanted my mother to love me for who I am.

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She, she did. She was a great mother, but there was always that, that thing saying,

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oh, can I just, just me love me for not because you're my, I'm your child, but love me for me.

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But, but before that, I think we, we have to love ourselves, right? I guess we never taught that

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as, as in the world to, to just love ourselves. I think it's, it's a learned,

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a skill. It's something that now everybody talks about it because we are so, such an externally

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focused, trying to fit in. Even, even the families are getting, asking their children to fit in.

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They themselves are trying to fit in to the invisible standards because who's setting up

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these rules? Who's setting up these standards? And, and so it's just so sad that,

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that, because of that, we feel challenged, especially as, you know, the neurodiverse people.

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But, but we can change that, right? We can change that. We can at least change that by, by looking

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at the, the problems. I think this is where it begins to actually acknowledging the pain and

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start talking.

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About the discomfort, the traumas, and not just living in, living with it. So, and examine it,

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examine the pain and see where it's coming from. And you sit with it and, and dissect it and,

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and just open it up and figure out like every little detail. And then, and then that's where

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all the answers, you get the answers to move forward. And that's why it's important to just

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acknowledge it and not do, uh, something which I actually hate, which is try to swipe it away with,

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uh, unearned positivity or toxic positivity, or, you know, uh, I think a lot with, um,

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neurodivergers are difficulties. We're made to feel kind of guilty about them in a lot of ways.

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Um, cause either, well, you're, I, I'm, I'm speaking as a uninformed neurotypical. And I

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have anything to complain about or, oh, but you know, look at all the amazing things your brain

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can do, you know, like for some sort of lifetime, original movie character or something like, no,

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there's some stuff that really sucks. I deal with every single day and I hate it sometimes.

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Yeah. There's, there's pros and cons, just like there's pros and cons to being a neurotypical,

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you know, but don't like try to placate me with, with not with saying I am not allowed to feel bad

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about things.

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Either with past trauma or mental health struggles, whatever else. And even if you're

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just neurotypical, but struggling with, with mental health, one of the best lessons you can

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learn is to just wade into that pool and deal with what's there. It's okay. You feel, you feel

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your feelings. It's okay to mourn something, even if it's yourself and it's okay to be frustrated

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and sad. You have to feel those feelings.

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Otherwise they're just going to build up in the back of your head.

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Yeah. It's, it's important to feel the feelings and it's important to sit with them. It's important

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to process them because yeah, when you process them there, you get so many messages and then

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you take those messages and you can start implementing them and that's how you move

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forward. But it's important that we acknowledge and we, and not deny the pain.

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Yeah. Because what happens is if we keep denying it, you keep putting it away and you can put it

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away for days, years, decades, and then, and then it will always come back, right? Whatever

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you're living with it. It's like a baggage. It's, it's, you're carrying this hundred pounds of

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luggage that you're carrying every single day.

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Yeah. It's like painting over mold.

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Yeah. And, uh, but if we, um, we, because when we,

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look at the pain, whatever that is, uh, there might be some message saying whatever that is

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right to the individual, maybe move in a different direction or, um, do something else. Uh, so, uh,

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so it's really, really important for us to, uh, sit with the pain and even to see where

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that is coming from. Uh, for instance, anxiety, I had a lot of that and even speaking. So for me,

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to even just come here and speak is a huge deal. Uh, I was, my voice was shut off. I truly believe

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in, in school because I was this talkative child. I was constantly punished for talking in class.

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Yeah. Horrible, horrible punishments. And I didn't know why, right. I didn't, I had no idea.

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And, and then you had to speak a certain way, um, or there's certain, the language, for instance,

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and even just, um, the ums and ahs, rules like that, right. Rules like that will stop me from

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being me. And, and so I had to believe in, in me and more importantly as to why we are doing this.

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And that's where my motivation comes from. Why are we even having this podcast? Why is it so

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important to talk about mental?

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Health and why, especially, uh, us because, uh, because we are, first of all, super sensitive

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people. We all know that there's a lot of emotions and we feel it and we, uh, we experiencing

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experience it a hundred times more, a thousand times more. And, and we carry that, those emotions

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with us. And, and as a result of which, um, we're not serving ourselves or others. Um, and, and so

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it's, it's really important for us to, uh, acknowledge that. And so for me, uh, just

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speaking in my own voice, I needed a huge mission to do that. So when, uh, and, and then I said,

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okay, I actually had to go to a class to learn how to speak from my heart. And that was just,

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uh, it was beautiful because, uh, that told me I was good enough, whoever I was or whatever I

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was. And, and it's the same with everybody, right? We're all good enough just the way we are.

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Uh, but we are always looking for external validation because somewhere in my childhood,

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I was told that I needed somebody's approval to be myself. Um, which is so sad. So the whole,

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all my life I've been like, who am I? Who is Chaya? Who is she? And, um, and, and yeah, and the answers,

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come, I think in following our heart and doing what we love. And, um, and for me, uh, and you,

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both of us, I know we want to empower, uh, this community and help them acknowledge and

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loving ourselves the way we are. And there's nothing called perfection. Our show is not

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going to be perfect, right? It's, it's all about, I think, uh, we want to be as authentic as,

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as we are. And I, yeah, I'm sure if I listened to this, I will, I will say, oh, Chaya, you said

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those words wrong or you pronounced incorrectly or things like that. But I'm, uh, I'm allowing,

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uh, myself to make those flaws so that I can be authentic for me. That is way more important.

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It's funny. Like one of the best things I was ever able to do for myself is I've been podcasting for

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a very, very, very long time. And I've been editing myself.

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And podcast for a very, very long time. And at first I was so self-conscious because I'm,

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I'm already self-conscious about how the, how I talk most of the time. Um, I talk very

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autistically. Like I, I finally started hearing other people, other autistic people speak. I was

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like, whoa, that's, that's like, I cried the first time I heard someone converse in the same,

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like twisted a pattern that I like I converse in because I was always self-conscious about it. But

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through years of editing and having to listen to myself, when you start having, when you start,

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like you start out, you edit yourself. So I'm just like, I'm trying to edit out all my,

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put my words together. So they make more sense, at least to me. Um, cause I am very self-conscious,

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but it turned into so much work. I had to just start accepting how I talk and then it just

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became normal. So I was able, I still deal with it, but I was able for the most part to separate,

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like, I'm not stupid because I talk that way.

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That's just how I talk. And, and it goes back to kind of what you said that we're always looking

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to be as good as somebody else as enough as another, but we're like, we're human beings.

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We're one single vessel. We are only capable of being as good as we ourselves are capable of

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being. So we just need to work on that and doing positive things for, for ourselves. I don't like

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to say healthy things for ourselves. Um, but.

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In a way that goes towards what, what we are at our core each individually.

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Yeah. Um, yeah, we are, um, good enough. And of course we have growth, right? So we need,

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we are, we are here on this planet to learn and grow, to contribute, uh, being ourselves,

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but the, but that's where, um, the skills are, the skills to be learned, for instance, execution,

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executive functioning. It was a learn skill for me. And, uh, I, uh, but it's not the majority of

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my job I'm living in, in my strengths. Um, but, uh, but I had to learn it. So it's important to

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be learned, but, um, but just being in our authentic selves feels natural, uh, feels

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beautiful. I wanted to ask you, you said, uh, autistic way of speaking. What is, what does

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that mean? I'm intrigued by that. Um, I mean, I, I, it's not a, uh, homogenous type thing. Um,

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though I do think a lot of autistics have like a very unique way of, of kind of conversing and

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speaking. I was, uh, talking to somebody, another autistic yesterday, and we both like,

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we're talking about our verbiage as we always tend to use what other people describe as like

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unnecessary big words or things like that. Um,

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and to us, it's like, that really doesn't have anything to do with like intelligence or us being

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well-read, just, we know the word and that's the word that goes there. Like, so it doesn't occur

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to us to not use like the maybe like ridiculous word that hasn't been used in like 200 years

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to us. We just know that's what that word means. So it slips in there. Um, but I've heard a lot

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of fellow autistics who speak very similar to me, uh, which is kind of, it's this still

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stop way of speaking where you're kind of like in a constantly constructing things. You use a lot

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of fillers. Um, you kind of twist around where you start in one, in one way of, of going into

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the cut into going into a sentence. Um, and then you take a left turn and you're still in the

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sentence, but you're, you're now doing, you're now putting it together in a completely new way.

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And then you circle back to how you originally were doing the sentence.

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And eventually you come at the end of what you were trying to say. And it's very,

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very confusing sometimes I think for other people to listen, but it's just the way our

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brain processes information. Like there's a start and stop and we're, we're kind of like

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pondering what we're saying. Um, and obviously not everyone has this. Um, and some, but I think

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each autistic person tends to have a specific unique way of kind of like their own of,

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of speaking and verbalizing. Um, some maybe talk a little bit faster. I know some speak much slower

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I kind of, I'm very stuttery. Um, I use a lot of filler words and I go back and forth in speed.

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Like I'll either talk really fast or I'll ponder myself very slowly for no real reason, honestly.

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Um, but it makes people think I'm deep in thought, which is pretty cool.

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As you're describing that, I feel that's me. So I'm like, that's exactly how I talk. I definitely

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speed up and I am lost in thought. So I'll ponder, I'll take that side road and, uh, and pick up a few

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things. Uh, so who knows what I am, right? What else, but it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter.

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Um, but it's, but what is great as you're describing that is, um, is, is it's important

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to know that just, just having that awareness.

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My, uh, brain wanders is, is, uh, is amazing, uh, because in that, in that knowing, um, there's a

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lot of self-acceptance and, uh, and I, I, I, uh, for me, I have to, uh, it's important to, for me

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to let others know about that. Uh, with my husband, I always tell him, this is the way I speak.

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This is who I am. I will wander off. I will go off the tangent, uh, because yeah, it happens. It's

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fine. Yeah. It keeps things interesting. It keeps things interesting. I made a, um, not to talk about

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social media, but I made an Instagram post, like, I think it was like last week or something. And I,

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I was about social scripting, like specifically like autistic social scripting. I think nearly

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every, so many neurodivergents deal with social scripting, but it was about, I won't go into

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all of it, but the joke of it and something that's happened to me on numerous occasions is

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whenever I'm like ordering food and this is either in person or over the phone, though it happens

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over the phone more often is I have repeated, like what I'm going to say to the person over and over

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in my head so much that when we start the conversation, I have said, this has actually

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happened. Hi, I'm large pizza. And it's just the words get confused in there. And that's what Lord

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out. I've, I've been other things too. You know, I haven't been just large pizza. I've been a sub,

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uh, you know, I've been various culinary delights. Oh, wow. Yeah, no, that's happened to me. I used

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to think that I had to speak a certain way. Right. So, so I I've spoken to so many other people and,

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and that's the problem, uh, that, uh, a lot of them face is that they feel they have to, uh,

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script and say words a certain way.

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And, and a lot of energy is spent on just that script that you forget the content. And so,

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which is what is really more important is, is what is it that you want to communicate and not

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how you're communicating. And, uh, and so, yeah, that is where I learned how to drop into the heart

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space, kind of bypassing the brain and speak from the heart. We were in, uh, when I went to the

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workshop, we had, we would break out into these rooms and, and other people would actually see

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me speak and say what they felt. And they all had one or two positive things to talk about. And,

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and I had to hear that to believe that I actually spoke with passion. And so it was, uh, that's where

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I, I, I had to, we had to learn how to not overthink with,

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with the scripting, with the sentences and just drop into the heart space and speak from there.

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And that's what actually got me here. And I can talk from my heart right now and things that I'm

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passionate about.

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That's awesome. Yeah. It tends to be, if you're passionate about it, you have an easier time

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talking. That's how it's always been for me. I can, you know, we talk about film or literature

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or something. I'll go off forever and be, and I have a perfectly easy time. But if you ask,

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try to ask me about the weather or some like medical thing, I would just, yeah. You know,

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I literally now sometimes if I have to like call my doctor's office for information,

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I literally write it out on a pad because it's the only way I'm able to like stay focused enough

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in the conversation because I'm just, I don't care that much. And I don't already don't want

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to do it because I don't want to make a phone call. Exactly. Yeah. So it's so much easier when

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you work from your passion, right? Talk about things you're passionate about. I don't like

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to talk about the weather. I don't like to talk about politics. I don't like to,

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talk about so many other things. And so I will not, I won't even attempt to talk about it and

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I will not be in that space. Like the weather, sometimes there are days that I, you know,

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I can go by without knowing what weather is outside because I have this whole inner world

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of a lot of variety and drama and so many interesting things that are happening inside

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of me. Right. But I don't even notice like the winter and especially the new

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England winters. I saw they can, like a month can go by without me even paying attention. So I,

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there's, there's a good part to it. Yes. This might be like a really,

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you may have discovered something that's like a really neurodivergent thing, which is the

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confusion. Why is everyone so obsessed with the weather? Like every time someone's talking about

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the weather, like, oh, it's so rainy today. Oh, it's so sunny. Like if it's too hot, it'll bother

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me. And even then I'll just stay inside. But it's like, yes, we live on earth. There is weather side

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goals. Like that's just something that happens. Why are we talking about it? Like I, I like I'm

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self-aware enough to know that as like a super probably neurodivergent thing to be complaining

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about. But I am puzzled by that constantly. I think it's the small talk, right? It's just

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doing that small talk for the sake of talking. Yeah. It's like, there's so many other interesting

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things to be talking about. We could be talking about this or that or that or just.

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I know. Let's stop talking about the weather and tell me what the problem is. I, I always,

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always want to go, uh, behind the layers and I can actually also, uh, see through people's layers,

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which is another, uh, or a skill that I'm going to use now. Uh, and that's how you and I met.

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I just instantly knew we could be talking forever. And, uh, yeah, that's, um, um, yeah,

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that's a skill. So that's a gift. Um, I don't know where I was headed, but yeah.

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Um, we like, yeah, we've been talking about so much. Um, if anybody is curious, this is actually

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the most like on topic we've ever managed to stay in one of our conversations. Um, before we, uh,

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kind of like, well, we still have time to talk about, I wanted you to tell the audience a bit

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of like what spark launch does and what, what your hopes and dreams for are.

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Yeah. Um, so, um, so I was inspired by my own personal story and, um,

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and also helping my son, uh, find that spark within us. So my belief is that we all have that

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light and spark inside of us. And once we start, first, we had to find it, find a spark. And once

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we start living in it, we can, um, overcome challenges. And so I want to use that same

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thing to help others to find that spark in other people.

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In people, uh, who feel challenged for whatever reason. Um, and, and the reason is because we're

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trying to fit into a world that was not built for us. So, so to help them overcome challenges. So

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what spark launch right now is offering coaching one-on-one coaching, um, because coaching for me

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is equal to meditation. And that's how I overcame a lot of challenges by going deep inside myself

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and finding answers to my emotions. And why am I feeling this way? What is all this? And, and then

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a lot of it was believing in myself. So, so there's that internal journey, uh, is what the

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coaches do. Um, instead of doing it alone, um, you're doing it with a professional who's been

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trained to take that internal journey with the client. And so,

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by taking that internal journey, um, they can examine whatever the, the problems are and, and

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come up with the, uh, action plan, the findings. Yeah. And then to move forward from there. So

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that's, and also I want to start offering workshops, um, and to, to schools teaming up with

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teachers, um, and also workplaces. I was,

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um, in the corporate world for 22 years. Um, and there are a lot that needs to be done there as

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well. So, uh, it's, it's fun. It's going to be fun. I'm finally, I think living in my, uh, true

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state. I would definitely say so. I, I, every time you talk about Spark Launch, I'm, I'm always

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getting very excited. I love the whole concept behind it, specifically the education stuff,

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because, uh, so much about neurodivergency and education is completely misunderstood.

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Yeah. There is the misunderstanding that autism specifically means learning disability or

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learning deficiency. That is not true. It is not even close to true. There's, oh boy, I could go on

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for that, that for a while, but, um, yeah, just tailoring education to, for the neurodivergent

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mind to better assist them because it's just a matter that we learn a little bit differently.

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We may be a little more autonomous in how we learn as well. Um, which is why we

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tend to gravitate towards specifically subjects that we'll do on like our spare time more than

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subjects that are taught because they're not being taught in a way that stimulates us. Um,

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any little thing that is being done there, I'm always, always very happy to hear. And I know

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your coaching system is going to be very robust and going to be very much, uh, the kind that I

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strive for and, and like to, uh, both employ and promote. So thank you for, for Spark Launch and everything that

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you're, you're doing for that.

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Oh, thank you, Mike. I am so happy to have met you. And I think it's a divine intervention.

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Uh, I had the way we met and, uh, yeah, I am extremely grateful for you to be with me on this

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journey.

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Thank you. Thank you. And, uh, I thank the audience for also joining us on this journey

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of this very podcast, hopefully continuing to listen on in future episodes. Uh,

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we'll have lots of different types of content, either discussions, uh, we plan to feature a lot

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of guests. So be on the lookout for that. Any way you can support us is, uh, just greatly

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: 00:35:46

appreciated. You can rate and review us wherever you listen to podcasts is a wonderful way to,

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to give that support, uh, with what you're doing. So we continue to make more of that.

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Um, if you'd be interested in following us personally, um, on Instagram, I'm

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at follows his ghost. Um, Jaya, where can you find yourself and Spark Launch?

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On Instagram.

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It's the Spark Launch, the underscore Spark Launch, I think. And, uh, yeah. And you can find

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the same name on Facebook. I think I'm also on YouTube. So, uh, yeah. On LinkedIn, LinkedIn.

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Yeah. You can find us there. So I hope you all tune in and promise we're going to not be boring.

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We don't want to bore ourselves with our content. So, uh,

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uh, yeah, it's going to be fun.

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See you next time.